Have you ever heard the saying “God laughs when we make plans?” While it carries a somewhat pessimistic undertone, I think that the older I get the more I understand it. We all make plans. Society teaches us to make plans. You grow up, move out of your parent’s house, obtain employment, etc. Maybe you get married. Maybe you don’t want to get married. Perhaps you want a large family, or maybe you know from the beginning that you absolutely do not want children. All of these are fine options. Whatever works. The point is, you make plans.
There is always the possibility that you make mistakes along the way. Your plans could fall through simply because you make a series of crappy decisions. You have problems keeping a job because you drink too much……..or maybe your marriage falls apart because you’re unfaithful. You don’t carry the innate desire to become a mother, but you accidentally become pregnant. You get my point. It’s easy to see making certain choices can make life a lot harder than it needs to be. What if, however, you feel like you’re doing everything right? What do you do with the feeling that as soon as you maybe even have the slightest bit of confidence that you have something in your life figured out, you discover that…well, you don’t.
I got sober in December of 2010. Before a life of chaos finally brought me to my knees, I was the queen, chief, and torch-bearer of making bad decisions. Anyone in their right mind could see why I continued to fall on my face……over and over and over again. Albert Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.” That was me. But one night, for reasons that I still do not understand, I begged God to help me start doing something different. I cannot explain to anyone the misery of not wanting to live yet being too terrified to die, but that’s where I was. It was only then that things started to change – life began worth living for. Admitting that I didn’t know anything became the biggest relief. I started at ground zero and began to work my way up. It felt pretty good for a few years. I sort of felt like I finally began to have things figured out. Stay sober, help others, and trust God. Everything will work out, right?
I made plans. They went as I wanted them to for awhile…until they didn’t. Career changes, moves, friendships – I suffered what I felt like were a lot of failures. The worst part of it was that I felt like I should have been more capable of handling them – I still feel this way a lot. I had been an optimistic and positive person after getting sober. Life was beautiful; a gift. Everything will work out in God’s time. After struggling through some things, I realized that I didn’t really have a grasp on that whole “in God’s time” thing. Then the biggest disappointment came in the Summer of 2015 when my husband and I found out that we would have an extremely difficult time having children. That journey in itself has changed me in ways I never imagined.
Through all of these things, the only thing that I have taken comfort in is relinquishing control and following the bread crumbs. I have had to fall down once again to see, that in reality, I can’t control much of anything. At the end of the day, all that I can control is my attitude; and even that has become a challenge. So a few weeks ago, I pretended to take all of my worries and wad them into a ball. I went outside with my “ball”, stared into the night sky and said, “I’m letting go now.” It was the first time that I really meant it. I threw my “ball” into the air and I have no idea where all of that stuff is going to land. I pretty much just picture myself walking along a dirt path and picking up whatever crumbs God drops for me. I try not think about where they will go, but rather trust that the path has a meaning. So that is what I have decided to make this blog about; surrender in a sense. I picked up one of my bread crumbs about 6 months ago when I decided to do something with my writing again. At the time, I was studying nutrition and had decided that I had a calling to become a Registered Dietitian. This goal became increasingly difficult while working a full-time job and living an hour from campus. I felt backed into a wall and didn’t know what to do. Then I heard my inner voice say “you’re a writer – you need to write.” So I did some research and found a degree that I could complete online from the same university and use my love of writing. I have no idea where it will lead me – just like I have no idea where my writing or this blog will lead me. So here I am, once again, admitting that I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. Ground zero. Follow the bread crumbs.